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“But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but
make not a bond of love:
let it rather be a moving sea
the shores of your souls.”
~ Khalil Gibran
We were introduced, a friend thought I needed a change from the bad boys I was dating. Most friends thought I was over-correcting (a la HIMYM).
I was sure you were a positive influence, a homebody, well-mannered, well-read, extremely intelligent. In some ways you were a positive influence.
Yet I should have left you when you first castigated me for missing my flight, leaving me crying in a strange airport with nary a friend. When you refused to visit me for fear of catching my flu, when I caught it from visiting you when you were sick. When you quarreled with me and made me feel small about my weight. When you said you weren’t sure if you wanted to get married ever.
I regret the 2 years I spent with you, we were bad for each other and I wished I saw it earlier. I wish you peace and love with someone who suits you better. I also wish that that someone is fat because love shouldn’t be superficial.
This is perhaps not the typical break up story, probably because we were never together.
We were great friends though, and still are. I knew that if I let myself love you, I could. And for a moment in time, I did.
But our friendship was too precious to me to take that chance. I knew if I decided to change the terms, to want more, you never will, because I’m not your type of girl, and you probably never thought of me in that way ever.
I always told myself that we were just really good friends with a unique relationship and things would never change. But things changed the moment I let myself love you.
Perhaps I should never have, and saved myself this pain and sadness. But I finally knew what it felt like to love someone.
We are still friends, but then, we always will be. That, and nothing more.
We were good for each other, in every sense of the word. He loved me, and me, him.
But maybe we were too good for each other, equally good at being stubborn.
So when he refused to accept my God and I refused to accept him without God, it was the end.
I still wake up dreaming that we fell asleep together and that he is right next to me.
But we no longer talk anymore.
Somehow, uncontrollably, my mind still flickers to that fleeting 4 months we had. How the initial infatuation evolved into something special. How I gave my heart to you, and let it rein free, because I thought we would make it worth the fight despite our challenges.
And now, four years later, looking at the pictures of you and your new boy makes me spiteful. Not in the bitchy way – more of the pain (perhaps regret?) that I let you go that fateful day.
I realised, you’ll always have a discreet place in my heart; no matter how minute or fleeting it was.
I hate to think that I’m just a story he will look back on 20 years from now and frown upon. I hate to think that we’re not going to work out and I am simply a mistake for him to learn from.
Yet I have fallen too deep to withdraw myself. There’s no turning back, no taking back the drama, the tears, the kisses. We can only look forward now, and try to be the best ‘friend’ we can for each other.
We’ve been hiding this from our friends… It’s sinful, we know, but we can’t afford to let it out. This ‘thing’ that we have going on… This ‘relationship’ both of us refuse to admit… It’s difficult. He is the source of my pain and my happiness all at the same time. He makes me smile but he also makes me cry.
Have you ever wondered why some people have been placed in your life?
It was a whirl wind of crazy. We started on the wrong foot. We started when we had our own lives with someone else. We kept thinking that this ‘wrong foot’ of sorts was to be blamed for every one of the many break ups we faced.
You blamed me for every time you cheated on me. Stating that I forced you to seek solace from someone else. Someone who didn’t even know that we we’re together.
You blamed me for breaking your heart. And that was why you cheated on me. You blamed me for making you loose your mind over me. And that it was you who left me with bruises to work.
I woke up from the fairy tale mindset I kept telling myself would last. We were never meant to be. The cracks you made for us never was mended. Your reasons boarding over the line of excuses were never real.
This is the end.
The end of a never-to-be-us.
He said,”You do know that you can never have everything that she has. Maybe you can only get half of what she gets from me.”
“It’s OK. I don’t want anything else other than having you by my side.” That’s what I told him.
If only things got easier as time goes by.
Half a year later, I found myself pregnant. I made an immediate decision to not tell you about it and made arrangements for an abortion.
I didn’t have the heart to break a family up.
I didn’t want to break her heart when she was already in her 6th month of pregnancy.
So how could I tell you about it?
I thought I was strong enough to continue staying by your side after that incident. I couldn’t be more wrong.
The day finally came whereby I was brave enough to make the decision to leave you.
To leave everything behind and to start afresh somewhere else, at a place where no one knows me and where I won’t be reminded of you and of us.
You called occasionally. I continued to hide, not letting you know anything about where I am.
Until this year when my world came crashing down and you came back to help me piece everything back together.
“Stay with me. Don’t go.
That one year we spent apart made me realised how much I’ve missed you, how much I couldn’t do without you.
Give me a chance to make up for everything. We’ll make things work this time round.
No one was surprised that we came back together. At the same time, everyone gave us their best wishes. They were glad that we finally found each other again.
I thought this will last.
I thought you would have learnt your lesson.
You began to leave me alone for long periods of time.
You requested for me to give you time, told me to wait for you to come back.
And every time you did that, you came back promising that you will never leave me alone again.
I continued to wait. I continued to hope.
I continued to love.
But sweetheart, where were you when I found myself pregnant for the second time?
You left me alone again but this time around, we both know you aren’t never coming back to my life.
There’s no way of letting you back in after all that has happened.
If spending that one year apart has not taught you a lesson, then let this separation be forever from now onwards.
I wish you all the best.
May you be happy with her and your two kids.
With time, I’ll forget everything about you.
Maybe it is after all, a game of who loves more than who.
Surely there comes a point when you figure that you can’t keep taking and taking; or giving and giving.
It has taken me nearly two years, and today to realize that I will never be a priority when it matters – there are far too many reasons, excuses and matters of greater consequence.
Maybe it is time to stop playing games.