We were good for each other, in every sense of the word. He loved me, and me, him.
But maybe we were too good for each other, equally good at being stubborn.
So when he refused to accept my God and I refused to accept him without God, it was the end.
I still wake up dreaming that we fell asleep together and that he is right next to me.
But we no longer talk anymore.
It’s been really hard for me since you left and I don’t know how to fix it.
I wake up, and immediately I feel like I’ve lost something. And should be looking for it. But I can’t remember what it is. I feel that way the whole day, even after I remember what it is I’ve lost.
I’ve been thinking a lot about empty spaces. And how in nature, if there’s a vacuum, something always rushes in to fill that empty space. I guess that’s a good way to describe how I feel. Vacuous.
But something had to rush in and fill the empty space you left. And what rushed in was anger and hate. Hurt and loss.
Sometimes I feel so full of it. And it feels so good to be full, and not empty. So I’m afraid to let go of all that anger and hate. All that hurt and loss. Because if I let go then I’ll be empty again.
And I’m afraid of what will rush in when I don’t have all that anger and hate, hurt and loss to fill me. But I don’t know what to do with all this sadness.
I’m sad that it took me so long to realize what we really meant to each other, which was nothing. And what we really had together, which was nothing.
I wish we had never dated. I wish we had stayed best friends, because I’ve always wanted a friend like you. I think our friendship was something very special. It’s a shame that we both took such terrible care of it.
I hope you’re doing well. Good luck with your big move and your new life.