Fleeting.

Somehow, uncontrollably, my mind still flickers to that fleeting 4 months we had. How the initial infatuation evolved into something special. How I gave my heart to you, and let it rein free, because I thought we would make it worth the fight despite our challenges.

And now, four years later, looking at the pictures of you and your new boy makes me spiteful. Not in the bitchy way – more of the pain (perhaps regret?) that I let you go that fateful day.

I realised, you’ll always have a discreet place in my heart; no matter how minute or fleeting it was.

What are we

I hate to think that I’m just a story he will look back on 20 years from now and frown upon. I hate to think that we’re not going to work out and I am simply a mistake for him to learn from.

Yet I have fallen too deep to withdraw myself. There’s no turning back, no taking back the drama, the tears, the kisses. We can only look forward now, and try to be the best ‘friend’ we can for each other.

We’ve been hiding this from our friends… It’s sinful, we know, but we can’t afford to let it out. This ‘thing’ that we have going on… This ‘relationship’ both of us refuse to admit… It’s difficult. He is the source of my pain and my happiness all at the same time. He makes me smile but he also makes me cry.

Have you ever wondered why some people have been placed in your life?

This is the ed.

It was a whirl wind of crazy. We started on the wrong foot. We started when we had our own lives with someone else. We kept thinking that this ‘wrong foot’ of sorts was to be blamed for every one of the many break ups we faced.

You blamed me for every time you cheated on me. Stating that I forced you to seek solace from someone else. Someone who didn’t even know that we we’re together.

You blamed me for breaking your heart. And that was why you cheated on me. You blamed me for making you loose your mind over me. And that it was you who left me with bruises to work.

I woke up from the fairy tale mindset I kept telling myself would last. We were never meant to be. The cracks you made for us never was mended. Your reasons boarding over the line of excuses were never real.

This is the end.
The end of a never-to-be-us.

May I Not See You Again.

He said,”You do know that you can never have everything that she has. Maybe you can only get half of what she gets from me.”

“It’s OK. I don’t want anything else other than having you by my side.” That’s what I told him.

If only things got easier as time goes by.

Half a year later, I found myself pregnant. I made an immediate decision to not tell you about it and made arrangements for an abortion.

I didn’t have the heart to break a family up.

I didn’t want to break her heart when she was already in her 6th month of pregnancy.

So how could I tell you about it?

I thought I was strong enough to continue staying by your side after that incident. I couldn’t be more wrong.

The day finally came whereby I was brave enough to make the decision to leave you.

To leave everything behind and to start afresh somewhere else, at a place where no one knows me and where I won’t be reminded of you and of us.

You called occasionally. I continued to hide, not letting you know anything about where I am.

Until this year when my world came crashing down and you came back to help me piece everything back together.

“Stay with me. Don’t go.

That one year we spent apart made me realised how much I’ve missed you, how much I couldn’t do without you.

Give me a chance to make up for everything. We’ll make things work this time round.

Please.”

No one was surprised that we came back together. At the same time, everyone gave us their best wishes. They were glad that we finally found each other again.

I thought this will last.
I thought you would have learnt your lesson.

You began to leave me alone for long periods of time.
You requested for me to give you time, told me to wait for you to come back.

And every time you did that, you came back promising that you will never leave me alone again.

I continued to wait. I continued to hope.

I continued to love.

But sweetheart, where were you when I found myself pregnant for the second time?

You left me alone again but this time around, we both know you aren’t never coming back to my life.

There’s no way of letting you back in after all that has happened.

If spending that one year apart has not taught you a lesson, then let this separation be forever from now onwards.

I wish you all the best.
May you be happy with her and your two kids.

With time, I’ll forget everything about you.

Goodbye.

Game

Maybe it is after all, a game of who loves more than who.
Surely there comes a point when you figure that you can’t keep taking and taking; or giving and giving.
It has taken me nearly two years, and today to realize that I will never be a priority when it matters – there are far too many reasons, excuses and matters of greater consequence.
Maybe it is time to stop playing games.

Cold feet

We were together for 3 years. She was pretty, smart and loved me deeply. I loved her too. My friends and family, they liked her. Everyone assumed we would get married. We got through the death of her father but 2 months after her mother wanted us to get married. I got cold feet. I felt compelled. This wasn’t the romantic marriage I envisioned. The pressure got to me and I broke up with her. She was devastated. My heart still hurts now, 8 months on, when I imagine how she must have felt. I wished I had spoken to her about how I felt instead of making the rash decision. I can’t forgive myself.

What’s a break-up without music?

Loop this with a list of the saddest break-up songs and cry in a dark room with an optional tub of ice cream flavoured with tears to stuff your face with. Sometimes it’s the lyrics that will get to you. Other times it’s the aching melody.

Marie Lloyd

She was perfect. Perfectly understanding and sweet through out the tumultuous four years together when I transformed from a angst driven and very lost teenager to one that knew he wanted to make pictures for a living.
She was my best friend, lover and diary. She knew everything, everyone I loved including my heroes, knows more Magnum photographers then the average Clubsnap hobbyist and could spell Henri Cartier Bresson and Nobuyoshi Araki accurately.

We met at the wrong time and I wasn’t ready for someone so perfect. Thank for being patient, thank you for your love, you were vital to my journey to where I am today.

This is a tribute for your companionship and the love, support and encouragement you gave me. Thank you Marie Lloyd :)

not recent memories

How long does a person take to forget? Very fast, it seems, for him.

It took him barely three months to move on to a new love after the end of the three-year relationship. A year passed and he got married.

How is it so easy for some people and incredibly painful for others?

I blame it on social media. An easy search can call up recent activities and pictures of happily ever after for them, but confusion and bitterness for me.

Three years have passed, but he is no longer on the “friends’ list”.

How long does a person take to forget?

Sometimes, never. Yes, I haven’t forgotten, only because he serves as a reminder of everything I will never want in my man.

Soft and smooshy inside

I was dumped, but hey I am thankful it happened.

The endless rounds of breaking up and getting back together again, the crying, sobbing and pleading, the his and the lows– anyone will be tired of that after dealing with that for 5+ years.

The only reason why we went on for so many years was cos I am stupid, and soft. While I am seldom wrong, I was the one whol pleaded and gave in–surely that fed his ego a fair bit. But hey I’m not the overly jealous possessive one, im the one who’s rational, logical, even-tempered and treats people well. I’m the one who is better than you on all counts. I don’t lie nor inflate half-truths.

To your current wife–better you than me :)